Welp, I think I did it. Check out the all new FridayFishwrap.com I can't believe the damn thing works.

I'll be tweeking, adding and subtracting, but for now - - thar she is.

Kiss Me, I'm Welsh!
Why don't the Welsh celebrate a holiday that includes consuming copious amounts of alcohol? I would get drunk and tell stories about the old country cottage near Llanbadarn Fynydd (we're wacky that way - we love our repeating vowels and consonants) Oh well, I married an irish girl (no, not that one but she's a catch!) so that should get me in the door.

Update
I just dropped my parents off at the airport. 12 days, many many miles, and enough food and booze to last me through... well, Easter maybe. I am beyond exhausted.

Haloscan has apparently lost all of the comments for the last two entries. I successfully installed Movable Type (side note: shouldn't there be an 'e' in there?) and will begin the joyous task of migrating and sorting over a years worth of posts and possibly working on a new look. Stay tuned. It's time for a change... right after my nap.

Fun and Games
Have you tried to walk a cat? It ain't easy, especially when you have a pot of coffee coursing through your veins like I do...

Frenzirynth 3D labyrinth game.

Too Much Time on Your Hands Award
Even though the FAQ specifically states that the author does not have too much time on his hands... I'll let you make the call. Things I've Pushed Through Toast

Random Linkage
While I was away, my buddy Mopsa linked out to this groovy site of creative captions for the ready.gov info graphics. To follow up, here is some helpful information from the Dept. of Homeland Panic.

For a great webzen experience check out Wild Mood Swings.

Deep Thoughts from the Road
Is there some law that requires anyone over the age of 65 to read every damn road sign out loud?

Meet the Chubbersons


Waking up to this view = Priceless
Being humbled by Mother Nature = Priceless
A 1000 mile road trip with parents = 2 years of additional therapy.

Yo! Yo! Thanks to everyone for voting! You guys rock. A few folks have upped the ante on the whole naked 'cept the boxers pledge, so no matter who wins... it should be a good show!

It's been a fun and wonderful whirlwind with the parental units in town. An delightful parade of food, drink, laughs, food, food, laughs and more drink. There were only a couple of times I've pulled this maneuver. But hey, they're parents - what can ya do? The weather has been gorgeous. We're doing brunch at 10, then a leisurely cruise about town in the convertible. Cocktails at mi casa tonight with the boys. They LOVE my mother ... with those fabulous Manolo Blahniks she wears, they're convinced I'm adopted.

Oh yeah, and Irish Girl - there's a package on it's way next week.

We're off to AZ tomorrow morning! Later gators!

I'm not below bribes and sexual favors
What's better than winning one Dilly Award? I'll tell ya... TWO Dilly-Dillys! If I win (like that's gonna happen when I'm up against the likes of Laurence, Seabrook, Presurfer, Nicole and friggin' Dave Barry of all people) I promise you this: I will post a picture of me in nothing but my new brand Pickle Juice Boxers. You actually think you might see me in a thong? Bwaahahha!

So here's my shameless self promotion for the day: VOTE FOR ME! Do it for the pickle, yes the pickle.

They sure grow 'em big in Iowa
The tale of the Giant Chee-to "It's beyond dangerously cheesy."
via the missus

MMmm...

A two Cadillac Margarita lunch and a nice dip in the ole drink. About 75 degrees here today. Not to rub it in or anything... I mean, snow is great and all but c'mon...

The parents arrive in about an hour. Fishwrap updates for the next week or so may either be voluminous or sparse. Most likely sparse. I'd tell ya to troll the archives but since they're screwed up, you might try the following for fun and games and general nonsense.

B3ta.com

The Presurfer

Fun Junkie

Blogdex

Homeland Securtity: Most Wanted List Updated Please call the toll-free hotline if you have any information regarding these suspected terrorists. Especially the notorious Haid d'Salaami.

Funniest Taxi Driver Synopsis. Ever.

Jack posted the following over in Irish-Girls comments. I can't link to the comment so I will reprint it here without permission. Go over there and give him his props. Genius.

You guys are all insane...The best kids movie of all time???????

TAXI DRIVER!!!

A simple story full of wonderful family values.

A guy, (Travis) goes to a big city and super responsibly, gets a job doing the honest, necessary albiet blue collar work of driving a taxicab. He shows real dedication by working the streets up to 18 hour days.

He is Mr. Thrifty though, and saves his money so he can buy expensive things, thereby helping the economy grow. He also shows good skills in negotiating with an independant small business man.

( Awesome sub plots in this movie abound. Teaching the kiddies about the value of exercise, industrial auotmobile cleaning methods, constitutional ammendment rights, personal grooming and much more.)

He is rewarded by all his hard work by meeting 2 beautiful girls. The first is a working girl, Iris, not unlike himself. On the streets day and night, she often works more hours in a day than Travis. But she shows American spirit by working out of the bedroom in her own one room apartment.

She is also super responsible. So much so that she left home at 13 to go out to help stimulate the economy. She also shows us the meaning of generosity, by giving most of what she earns to what appears to be a homeless man.

(The filmaker shows his genius here, by not even mentioning this man's hispanic ethnicity...thereby showing the little ones that race doesn't matter when it comes to poverty.)

The second girl works for a political candidate. She turns out to be not very nice. Travis takes her out to a fantastic movie about human relatioships, but she shows herself to be a snob and rudely walks out.

Travis doesn't get mad though, because he REALLY like her, even though it appears she might be flirting with someone else at the same time she is seeing Travis.
Still, he REALLY likes her, so he follows her around all the time just to make sure she is always safe.

Near the end of the movie when he is watching out for her safety, he gets to meet a real politician running for office. (WOW! only in America, huh kids?) He is so impressed, he tries to enlist in the secret service!!! What a wondeful giving man!!

Then all of a sudden, Travis senses danger for Iris, and runs to help her. It seems the homeless man...you remember the one Iris gives her money too? It turns out he may smoke ...marijuana.

(I know some parents out there might be concerned here. Trust me, you will see the positive message taught here in a moment.)

Travis has serious issues about drugs. He only belives in aspirin. (In what can only be described as cinema genius, the filmaker show us a very concerned Travis practicing over and over his listening skills for this upcoming intervention..Travis' plaintive "Are you talking to me?" solioqy, is perhaps movies most famous plea for better communication.)

But I digress.

So when he finally sees that homeless man in the films last reel, he tries to talk to him. The homeless man becomes wicked angry though..(this must be that reefer madness we hear about.)

Anyway, as final resort to this issue, and to show this homeless man that anger can be hurtful in relationships, Travis is forced to excerise his constitutional rights again and again and again and again and again and again to help Iris find closure.

In the end of the movie, Travis has some health issues he has to deal with OSHA about. (loud industrial noises in an enclosed space without proper hearing protection.)

But that is life, and the government, and Travis has a job to do, and he is still out there, doing today.

The End.

Wonderful family movie with good American values!!!!

I give it 2 guns up!!

Losing Weight and Saving Face

I'm on Atkins right now and we all know what that means. No wheat, sugar or flour. I've been on this diet once before and I lost 40lbs - 15 of which I've gained back and would like to take off again.

I cringe at situations like the one I faced last night. We were invited to our friends place for dinner to celebrate his birthday. Birthday = cake. That's easy enough to skip. A lot of people don't eat cake. Dinner = the great unknown. I would consider it poor manners to ask our hostess what she's planning to serve, much less make any sort of dietary request. If I were diabetic sure, but trying to lose weight is no excuse to be rude. So I just have to hope and pray that it's fish, or chicken or even some sort of red meat, though that's unlikely with 8 people. God forbid it's pasta. I'll just have to wing it.

Upon our arrival I had a generous cocktail and was having a blast playing with their three year old son. This boy, born to very straight parents, is SO going to the biggest flamer when he grows up. The facts: he has a strong affection for his mothers shoes and panty hose, loves jewelry (the missus let him try on her diamond ring and we caught him doing a Carol Merrill in front of the mirror in the living room). When he makes a toast, as he always does once everyone has been served, he must do so with stemmed glassware. And he insists on being in charge of lighting, setting the tone for the evening with flattering ambient light. All this and he's barely 3. Uh-huh. Definitely a friend of Dorothy. I rest my case.

Where was I? Right - my diet. So our hostess brought out the evenings hors d'oeuvre - baked brie with plum preserves. The cheese isn't a problem but the preserves and the puffed pastry are a big no no. It's quite impossible to separate them as they are all baked together into one gooey delicious delightful sinful taboo. Damn. So I stuck to a couple of nuts. When dinner rolled around my worst nightmare was realized. Pasta. And bread. And a small salad. While I hoped I might have been able to get away with just salad, unfortunately there wasn't enough for me to even attempt to make a meal of it. Double damn. What to do? Well, there's only one thing you can do. Be polite and eat what's served. And that's what I did. And once I had the pasta, when the obligatory cake came around, I said fuck that too, cut me a big slice. I'm already going to feel like shit tomorrow, why not just go all the way. And I did. And it was good. I only regret not having tried the baked brie.

So as predicted, today I feel awful. Not just mentally for going off my diet but one major down side to the Atkins diet is that if you've been on it for a few weeks and you load up on carbs, your body reacts in the most unpleasant manner. I'll spare you the details.

In other news: Saturday, I not only installed the incredibly fucking complicated hanging shelf thing, but I also added an outlet and completed a major home theater installation. All that and only two minor injuries. I guess I'm handier than I thought.

It's all news to me!
In case you've been living under a rock like I have for the past 48 hours...
The item about the human shields bugging out of Iraq reminded me of that Monty Python and the Holy Grail scene: Run Away! Run Away! ... I mean, c'mon! What did you think "Human Shield" meant?

Who's What's a person gotta do to get out of jury duty these days? Juror 142