Train Wreck
Sheesh - What happened to my Niners last night? Just because it doesn't matter doesn't mean you shouldn't play the friggin game to win! [shaking head] - At least I have a several good bowl games to look forward to tomorrow. Mmmm Chili, Beer and Bowl Games. Life is good. A few of my picks for tomorrow: Michigan, NC State, Penn State, Washington State, Georgia.

Ice Cream and Pizza
Are still in the lead - 2 new fridges added this morning. Now I just have to figure what what we're going to do with all this damn food!

All I ask is a 10% finders fee
There could be a New Years Bonus waiting for you. Every state has an unclaimed property search on the controllers website. Go to google and enter unclaimed property [state in which you live]. Does it work? Is this for real? Let's just say the Fishwrap Household is looking forward to the added jingle jangle in our pockets. Your welcome.

Happy New Year - Jail Sucks
I'm not gonna quote stats and shit - you already know what I am talking about. If you choose to go out tonight, don't be fucking stupid. There will be plenty of other stupid people already out there. If you really need something else to convince you not to drink and drive, why not take a tour of a Florida Jail Cell. That should cool your Oz fantasies.

Have a blast - Getting flippin blotto for all I care, I probably will. Just pass the keys, call a cab or if you live in Southern California, AAA is once again sponsoring the Tipsy Tow. They'll tow your car home for free. 1-800-400-4AAA

Survey Says...

Pizza and ice cream are apparently the preferred snacks of bloggers. Thanks to those of you participating in the Web Fridge Project. An intriguing and relatively pointless peek into the real lives and eating habits of my fellow bloggers. Keep those pics coming!

Surf's Up

I don't know if this German workplace safety video would be funnier if I understood German or not. Poor Klaus. He just can't get it right. warning: blood and guts - not for the weak stomached

Another silly timewasting flash game Snowglobe Simon

This has been making the rounds today Star Wars Origami.

Before and After Plastic Surgery warning: boobs

Your Web Zen for the day: Fly Guy.

I'm fascinated by the concept of a Web Fridge Project via Farrago. As far as I can tell she and I are the only ones to have posted pics so far. So, pull out those new xmas digital cameras, whip open the door (no fluffing people!) and show me what's for dinner.

The Fishwrap Fridge.

My Big Fat Geek Christmas
I am an official member of the the Land of WAN. With my new Airport Base Station (and card) I can blog, game and surf work and be more productive - untethered by traditional confines. Now when my geek friends come to visit us in our geek house we can geek out far and wide or a least within 150ft of my office. We have to lay down one safety rule though - no laptops in the pool. While the concept of a floating desk was cool for a minute - it's a Darwin Award waiting to happen.

As if my new wireless lifestyle wasn't too much, I also have enough NYT Crossword books to get me through the next year or a least through March. And 3 new DVD's: LOTR, Spiderman and Eddie Izzard.

The Road Goes on Forever and the Party Never Ends
The past week has been a total whirlwind of cocktails, food, parties, presents, food, golfing, movies and food. Did I mention food? Fuck, I've gained 10lbs since Thanksgiving but I've fairly certain that half of that is my swollen liver. So I've joined the new World Gym (set to open mid January) and once it opens, I vow to shed at least 20 lbs and get back into shape. But the gym ain't open yet, and I'm no quitter - so this afternoon it's another movie, Gangs of New York, and more drinks, dinner and mayhem with the boys afterwards. That's the problem when you live in a popular vacation destination. Everyone here is on vacation! So I've unofficially given myself the week off to play and party hard. So far so good!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Have a safe and fantastic Knob Noggin' holiday.

For those of you who do not partake of the warm christian holiday where family members get drunk and bring up that embarrassing rash you had when you were 14, I highly recommend Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers or Far From Heaven after the Kung Pow Chicken.

If you simply need get away from all this Jingle Bell Rock and slip back into your wonderful online world where everything is quiet and no one is harping about your lumpy mashed potatoes, check out Google Zeitgeist for some Web Zen.

Or try your hand at the Cheeky Girls game. I couldn't figure out how to play it, but it involves spanking. You can never go wrong with a little spanking, even at Christmas.

Click a deer for some holiday cheer!

The 12 STD's of Christmas.

Battleships with a bit of a twist.

Friday Night Report
No activity to report. Quiet evening at home with the missus. A fire burning, a couple of good books and a few spastic kittens demonstrating their newly honed paper sack wrangling skills. [insert lesbian cliche here]

Saturday Night Report
Mod Squad a.k.a. Mod Com Christmas Cocktail Party. Chris called around 3:00pm to confirm the location and time (his pad - 7:00), then quickly slipped in at the end "Oh, and bring a side dish!" What the hell? Is this a fucking lesbian potluck or something? Not that potlucks are inherently a bad thing, but if you have to ask...

Since I'm not much of a whiz in the kitchen, I was stumped. Is vodka a side dish? Well, maybe in Russia. So, I'm thinking like a casserole or something? This means going to the store and buying ingredients, and actually cooking something unless I wanted to show up with some Mac and Cheese with crushed potato chips on top. And these are definitely not Mac and Cheese people. At least not in public.

As I hem and haw, and discuss the side dish merits of a jar of olives with the missus, the hour of the party is fast approaching and I still have no fucking idea what do bring. We ended up stopping at Jensens Finest Foods on the way there and picking up some tomato and basil penne pasta. As it turns out - Most people, like us, interpreted his "potluck" as "bring whatever you want to eat - that is, if you want to eat" and yeah, vodka is a side dish, at least in Palm Springs.

Sunday Afternoon Report
Snow ball fight in the desert? You bet! Our buds Shan and Wendy drove up to Idyllwild, filled their pick up trucks with fresh snow and dumped it in the yard. They do this every year around Christmas when there's a fresh snowfall. All the neighborhood kids get a big kick out of it, while us grown ups use it as the perfect excuse to sit around and drink in the afternoon.

Normally, this would be your typical lesbian potluck situation, but defying century old stereotypes, all food and drink were supplied by the hosts. We met a very cool older (mid 60's-ish) woman named Mary - total old school butch. Gruff, witty and sarcastic, smoked like a chimney, and telling some great stories. Everything was going great, all were having a wonderful time until... Mary stands up to refill her cocoa and promptly trips and breaks her leg. No shit. Protesting the help of a few of us, she stands up, rebuffs all attempts at diagnosis or first aid gets in her car and promptly drives herself to the hospital. Damn woman, you've got some grit! Much to my surprise, turns out she's a totally straight grandmother of 4. That'll teach me. Better get the 'ol gay dar in for an alignment.

Not So Random Holiday Memory

Even though she hasn't mentioned it yet, I'm betting that the Missus thinks I've completely forgotten. But that's not the case. It deserved it's own post.

One Christmas, many moons ago, because work and other real life shit that happens, the Missus was unable to join me on the holiday schlep back to Michigan. I had never missed a Christmas at the old homestead and reluctantly went back without her. We would celebrate when I got back.

I was miserable the whole time. All I did was lay around moping. I must have called her 20 times. My family did their best to keep my spirits up. They were incredibly supportive, but it didn't help much. I was one sad puppy. She even sent a dozen roses to my folks house with a card telling me how much she loved me and missed me.

On Christmas eve morning, I stumbled downstairs in my PJs and grabbed a cup of coffee. The house was quiet but this was normal. I knew my Stepdad had gone to the airport to pick up my step sister and my brother doesn't get up until noon. But my mom was very chatty. This was not normal. We are both "2 cups before we can form words" kinda gals. And even then, it's a while before we can actually converse coherently. When she insisted that I come try on a few sweaters that she was thinking of getting rid of, I knew either she'd downed a whole pot before I got up or something was up. But because of my caffeine handicap there was little I could do by nod and comply.

About 10 minutes and 15 sweaters later I heard the garage door open (it's so old, I think you can actually hear it open in Ohio). Mom jumped up and said we'd better go say hello to my sister.

I walked into the living room to find my beautiful wife standing there wearing a big red bow and an even bigger smile.

Maybe it was the shock of the surprise or maybe I really am a girly girl, but I totally screamed and ran back into my folks bedroom. She had to come find me and ask if I was alright. I was better than alright, I was in heaven. Somebody pinch me. It had to be a dream. It was the best damn present I've ever received. And god damn my family for being able to keep such a good secret! They all knew for days and no one said a word! To this day, I don't know how you managed it but... Thank you sugar. I loves ya!

Merry Christmas Baby! ::smooch::

Odd Todd has a Free Holiday Gift for you.

Random Holiday Memories
-----
My grandfather hanging the wreath on our front door. A banker by trade, the man had no idea how to use a hammer properly. Yet he always insisted on coming over and hanging our wreath for us. It would take him at least an hour. Predictably, he'd had a few pops and the hammer would stray, the wreath would fall, and curses would fly. His favorite was "Judas Priest!"
-----
My brother and I had big red stockings that hung over the fireplace. Every year there was an orange in the toe.
-----
We always had dinner and opened presents on Christmas eve at my grandparents house. At dinner, my grandfather was the only one allowed to put his forearms on the table. I always wondered why he could do that and no one else could. Now, I rest my forearms on the table. Some may call it bad manners, I call it tradition.
-----
After presents, we would go to the midnight service at church. I sang in the choir. I thought it was cool to be up so late.
-----
One year our choir performed Amahl and the Night Visitors. I was a shepherd.
-----
Villanova (that's just between me and the missus)
-----
Heavy wet snow falling. The cypress trees in our back yard bent over like candy canes. The big spruce in the front yard full of colored lights.
-----
It was two days before Christmas and I was flying home for the holiday in the morning. I went to the ATM at 16th and Mission. All I had to my name was $140, and I'd withdrawn it all. I turned around and was robbed at gunpoint by a man in a sweater with reindeer on it. Merry fucking Christmas asshole.
-----
We walked in my grandparents front door and I saw a HUGE box under the tree. I ran over and to my amazement, it had my name on it. I begged them to tell me what was in it. My grandfather grinned said "A big yellow dog!" and I knew he was pulling my leg. It was a big yellow stuffed dog. I loved it until it fell apart.
-----
After everyone had gone to bed there was a loud banging on the front door. It was my friend Charity from up the street, standing in the snow dressed only in her pajamas and a parka. "Nancy's house is on fire!" We all went down the block and watched our friend's house burn to the ground.
-----
Caroling with my church choir. Each year we would go around to the old folks homes and sing carols for them. We got a lot of egg nog and smiles.
-----
My dog sleeping in front of the fireplace. Full and content after getting the table scraps.
-----
Me and the missus strapping a 6 foot Delancy Street tree to the roof of the Jeep in the rain. Howling laughing trying to wrangle it up the stairs. Our first tree, our first home, our first christmas with just the two of us.
-----
Elliot the cat climbing our first tree 5 minutes after I got it up in the stand.
-----
Driving to Grand Rapids to see my paternal grandparents. The road was icy and it was snowing hard. When we got there, my grandma made me hot chocolate. One year she gave me a Tonka truck, a cowboy hat and a set of toy pistols. Grandma K. knew more than I've ever given her credit for.
-----
Cooking Christmas Day dinner for our two best friends. Overlooking the most beautiful city in the world. Good friends, warm food, good wine - I couldn't ask for anything more.
-----
The first Christmas the Missus spent with my family. As we sat down to dinner, we popped our Christmas Crackers and put on our little paper crowns. I'll never forget the "You've got to be kidding!" look on her face as she stared at us in disbelief.

Two posts in one day? Jesus, you must be bored MJ...

This is just fucking brilliant. Last one to leave turn off the lights.
via irish-girl

Via the Missus - Check out the Barney Cam for a dogs eye view of a White House Christmas. Very, very cute (for a dog). And as the missus said - the best thing the republicans have done yet. Some school children may beg to differ however...
via Dargie Blithers

3 movies in less than 24 hours


The Sum of All Fears
Perfect Clancy. A bit schmaltzy and I couldn't get past the whole Ben Affleck/Jack Ryan as a young CIA dweeb in 2001 - The time leap just didn't make sense. Also, and this no fault of the movie, but with 9/11 and all, the whole 'Oooh, Scary Russian" thing just didn't work for me. I will say that Farmer Hoggett made a pretty great president though. And over all, good rock 'em sock 'em action flick. 6 out of 10.


Minority Report
What the fuck? Eeewww. No thanks. Stupid and creepy and any time you have strange psychic bald naked bodies floating in goo, something is not right. Badly done Kubrick wanna-be flick. So not what I expected from Spielberg. 3 out of 10.


Panic Room
Jodi Foster? God, how much do I want to turn her over adore her? Man oh man she just trips my trigger. Yum! Oh right, the movie... Home Alone meets Hitchcock. Great flick - finely crafted suspense with great twists and turns. The start of the movie was so dark and bleak I thought it would be too cliche and I was going to hate it. Nope! There were a few weak moments in the plot. But not enough to pull you out of the story. And a few of the pan shots were pretty "how'd they do that?" cool. 8 out of 10.

In other news: I've been feeling a little off my game lately. I think I'm PMSing or maybe it's just the holiday blues, but I've been incredibly blahed with just about everything. I'll have a boredom sandwich with malaise on the side. I think it's because I've been sitting on my ass watching movies and not exercising. And I've been eating nothing but your basic crap junk food except for dinner I made Sunday night. Maybe I'll make a good dinner tonight. As long as it doesn't interfere with Survivor. Now, I've not talked much about the whole reality TV season, but for anyone who watched Amazing Race - can you fucking believe that?! OMG - Flo was the biggest fucking loser crybaby. I just want to bitch slap her. She doesn't deserve a million bucks. But Zack? He earned twice that... the man is a saint. 'Nuf said.

Winter Wonderland
The storm has cleared for the time being and we have a beautiful snow capped mountain in our back yard.



This is Mt. San Jacinto (elev. 10,804ft). And just a few miles to the north is San Gorgonio (elev. 11,499ft.). California's 3rd and 4th highest peaks. Even though it's in the 70's here, in less than 30 mins. I can be playing in the snow at the top of San Jacinto via The Tram. How fuckin' lucky am I to live here?

And one other thing...
Would you like an apple pie with that?
brought to you by the missus via satan's helper Karen

All I want for Christmas

is a glow-in-the-dark evildoer t-shirt from DemocracyMeansyou.com

Scary but true: Nine Things Strom Thurmond Is Older Than

1. AM/FM radio
2. Human flight
3. The Panama Canal
4. Wristwatches
5. Tea bags
6. Ice cream cones
7. The World Series
8. The states of Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii
9. Dick Clark

Picking Noses ... another daily distraction.

Some groovy winners at Flash Awards include this surrealistic piece: Kunstbar The art of the cocktail.

Is that a pygmy monkey in your pants? All I can say is it's a hell of a long flight from Thailand.

Juvenile fun, or what to do on a small town Saturday night: Scrabble Marquee

For those of you seated on the left side of the plane
If you look out your window, you'll see that I've added a few of my favorite holiday songs. Feel free to download and spam your friends and family. Happy Holidays!

I've received the "Cutest Couple" story 8 times now. Thank you everyone, but now you can stop sending it to me - please!

In other news... Because I work from home, I have the distinct pleasure and luxury of avoiding the weekend Hell Mall christmas shopping experience. I much prefer to do it during the week. So today I'm off to the city of Palm Desert, which is one giant mall held together by a series of parking lots. I'm an American after all. It's my right and responsibility to aid the economy in it's recovery. I'll do my best.

How to happily waste a Sunday Morning

1) Watch some great MadTV clips.

2) Play SnowRush.

3) Make some music.

4) Browse McSweeney's Weekly NFL Picks.

5) Listen to If Bette Davis sang Feliz Navidad
via April Winchell filed under: Seasonal Favorites

Gratuitous Photos of My Cats
or, they grow up so fast


Mouse - She's got cat-itude


Blue - The Quiet Storm


Jinx - Fascinated by small shiny objects

It's all fun and games 'til someone loses a limb.


Arse of Elbow? A fun little quiz.

I fell into a burning Ring of Fire: Toboggan Jump

This was mildly interesting at first, then I got creeped out... so I thought I'd share. Reverse Speech Yeah, it's what you think it is... Paul is dead and all that...

From the oops files: Did I just say that?

Irrational Exuberance A very low sodium fanimutation. That's all I'm gonna say.
via yeah, but it it art?

High-School Girls Want to Be Gay-ish Where the hell were these girls when I was in high school, huh?!

On the other side of the coin: Oral sex linked to cancer of the mouth Damm it.
via daypop


Talk about your product placement. Nabisco Mini Golf Mmm... Oreo's®.

Don't blame me...
You came here of your own free will...

Ho Ho Ho
Celebrity Secret Santa It's a hell of a lot harder than you think it's going to be. I scored 5 out of 20 the first go-round. 14 out of 20 second spin.

The 12 days of Kitchmas Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Bobble Head Jesus!

The Frost-o-Matic Build your own snowman.

And now the audio portion of our show...
Geek Rap. Lord of the Rhymes Go Gollum! Go Gollum! Go Gollum!
I recommend the mp3 download rather than the stream... and yeah - might want to put on the headphones if you're in your cube....

Shag the Sheep He's got the moves baby...

Please stand by. America is experiencing some Technical Difficulties.

In other un-American news...
Kentucky Police Shoot, Kill Handcuffed Suspect. Officer Fired Gun 12 Times
via exploding cigar

Random cool thing...
Google Viewer turns your google search into a slide show.

And another thing (I'll stop soon, I swear)... How can I add these to my wish list?
via the morning fix

Oh yeah and... Sopranos sucked. Except Edie. She rocks.

Random Linkage
I hope I am not the only person who is freaked out by this gift item available at JC Penny. It's All Inside.

Home Decorating and Other Lies Salon takes a behind the scenes look at Trading Spaces. If you're a fan of the show, you may be shocked by the "reveal" - all is not as it seems on the set...

Looking for a more immersive web experience? For 20 G's this can be yours.

My good friend Mopsa trumped me yesterday on weird and freaky links. Good show mate.

I think my friend David might have started a new fashion trend.

CNN is taking user submitted WTC Designs. Some are just plain, uh, wrong.

Friday Night Report
Well, we finally got our Christmas Tree. Ours is all silver (not shown on the web site) and it's the most hilarious tree I have ever had. The Missus and I went back and forth on the Real Tree thing. She was against it because of the cats. And she was right. Not only would they climb and eat the tree but if they'd piss on my laptop, they'd most certainly "claim the tree" too.

We had left over booze from the party last weekend so we lit a fire, called a few friends over, put on some christmas music and "trimmed" the tree, which consisted of plugging it in and drinking plenty of KnobNog [tm] - a delicious concoction of Knob Creek Bourbon and Egg Nog developed by my dear friend Beth. Put us right in the holiday mood.

Saturday Night Report
Reasons Why I Love This Town #347
The Festival of Lights Parade.



Where else are you going to find a cement mixer and a dump truck all decked out in twinkling lights? The crowd was pretty large this year. It was FREEZING and every one was out in their parkas, mittens and caps. You could smell the snow in the air. Okay - not really it was only 52º, but it did make me a little nostalgic for winter wonderlands past.

After the parade we were off to Rich and Michael's groovy pad for a drink before going to their neighbors christmas party. R & M live in Canyon Vista on a cul de sac that has a distinct Knots Landing ambiance. Everyone knows everyones business and except for my good friends (though some would argue), they are all completely nuts. The party was fun because we didn't know a soul. Maybe it's just us and we really are twisted fucks but we were a little bored and decided to have some fun explaining our Fainting Goat breeding facility to an innocent woman who actually believed us and wanted to debate the ethical aspects of our profiteering on genetic defects.

We made our escape to the other end of the cul de sac and spent the rest of the evening splitting our guts laughing about handing out ElectroSol[tm] tablets instead halloween candy next year ... "Your mother will thank me."

Today we are off to the Tamale Festival YUM!

Take the Skinheads Bowling

I went to see Bowling for Columbine yesterday. If you've not seen this film, you are really missing out. It's fantastic. Flat out brilliant. It's not so much about guns in America (though it is a bit of a theme). Underneath, it's actually about the climate and culture of fear in the America.

All in all this film is full of great nuggets. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who's not seen it but I do want to mention a few things. We all know that Michael Moore is from Michigan. And as expected there's a lot of the Great Lake State in his latest work. I grew up in Michigan too. Michigan is full of gun nuts. Our local party store is "Pat and Gary's Bow Hole" and they proudly advertise with a sign outside that reads "Bait, Guns and Ammo! We sell Liquor!" ... Norm Olson, Grand PooBah of the Michigan Militia, lived down the road from us. I always had this involuntary urge to duck when we drove by.

I fired my first (and only) gun when I was 17 at the insistence of my boyfriend (who several years later used a similar firearm to blow his brains out at the local bar - pretty). And every fall for two weeks you can hear the familiar sound of "pop pop pop" and see the results strapped to the hoods of SUV's around the state. It depicts Michigan's Welfare to Work program to be the absurd ass-backwards policy that it is. The kids at the Oscoda arcade are the kind of guys I went to high school with, and had I not had the good sense to be born queer and get the fuck outta there - I probably would have married one of those ignorant fucks. But I digress...

Columbine is not the central theme, but the actual footage (obtained through the Freedom of Information Act) was the toughest part of the whole film for me. The audio of MSNBC, CNN, FOX and other media outlets jamming Littleton's 911 dispatch asking for "Live On-Air Interviews" during the rampage was un-fucking believable. And Charlton Heston's "Jimmy the Greek" moment was a jaw dropper.

I ended up leaving with more questions than answers. I laughed - hard. And I cried. See it damn it. I'm going back for seconds.

Here's a funny little joke I heard yesterday...

A boy asks his mother why wedding dresses are always white. The mother explains that it symbolizes purity and innocence. The boy asks his father the same question. The father replies "Why son, all household appliances come in white!"

Which leads me into my next random rambling thought... I've been trying to decide what to get the missus for Christmas. My finances are never in the same place every year. Gifts over the past 12 years have ranged from diamonds to discount coupons for back rubs. This year I have a little extra jingle jangle in my pocket but not much. The missus has been suffering from terrible allergies and I, being the practical one, thought "Hey! A HEPA filter!" Not only would it be a great relief to her - but maybe I could actually sleep through the night without all the wheezing and sneezing too! So I looked around and found a great site but then thought "Okay, this is getting a bit complicated, maybe I should let her pick one out." So I sent her the link and explained that I wanted to get her one as a gift this year. Her reply? "How romantic..." I could actually hear her eyeballs clink as they rolled back in her head.

Yeah, maybe she's right. It IS kind of like saying "Merry Christmas honey, here's your new vacuum, now get crackin'!"

Back to the drawing board....

Tuesday Timewasters

So you think you know a thing or two about Hoax Photos? Test your skills. I scored a surprising 6 out of ten.

Get Santa Drunk! A silly little game that gets harder as Santa gets tanked. Arrow keys control Santa's movements.

The Alanis Morissette Lyric Generator
I feel miserable
Buttons rot the flesh from my bones
I feel miserable
Interuptions defeat my purpose
I feel miserable
Delays are doing their best to impale my soul
I want to die

Just in time for Christmas... Geek Gifts from Scientific America.

Mini-itx.com is not really Case Modification - more like Case Creation. I dig the Toaster.

The Bond Girl Name Generator I hated mine (Jasmine de Beauvoir) but I loved the missus: Cherry Bushstorm

Great party. I'm pretty hung over. This is the only picture I took last night and I think it sums up how everyone was doing when 5 minutes later the neighbor behind us came out in his pajamas and hollered at us. Well, it was 1:30 in the morning and we were drunk and loud and well, I'd apologize to him today but unfortunately all I can do is lay here in my flannels and drink ginger ale and watch football and eat the last piece of pie. Mmm pie. I like pie.