AirlineMeals.net "The worlds first site dedicated to nothing but airline food." Uh, okay ... but can you identify it? For a Mystery Meat 101 game, check out the "MyTravel Airlines" tray - what the fuck is that? Or "Dragon Air" - just drown it in gravy and no one will notice? Reminds me of junior high.

So, I'm brain dead. I am unable to perform even the most basic of tasks. Yeah - even those basic tasks. Who has the energy? Sorry babe. Next week I promise. I thought summers were supposed to be all about relaxing and do-nothing weekends. Baseball, cold beer by the pool and mowing the lawn. But noooo, it's not to be that kind of July and August for me. Now I can not only do the drive from PS to SF in 6.5 hours (I know exactly where all the speed traps are) but I can also take a 30 minute nap if I tie the steering wheel to the door handle and set the cruise to 80 just past Kettleman City. This should actually be the last trip to SF for a while. The Missus and I are finally getting a real vacation next month. Yippie!

My neverending gratitude to my venerable hosts in SF for allowing me to crash on their sofabed for the past 2 months. You will be rewarded my friends. Pack your bags for some waterskiing and cocktails on the dock at sunset. Yeah, I thought that might sound good! And also to my beloved cousin for taking care of the cats. After all of this traveling is over, I am sure we will have our own set of photos for the My Cat Hates You Gallery. Oh, and they do. You know they do. Just look at them! Our cats hate us.

Time Wasters For Tuesday:
Lava Lamp Simulator

Office Paintball

The Online Pregnancy Test

Last but not least Anti-Hero Art The White Trash Museum.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it

Just a quick post to let everyone know that I am alive and well. I'm in SF again tying up loose ends - heading back home tomorrow.

Funny thing happened on the drive up here. I passed an SF Muni bus hauling ass on I-5 just north of Coalinga. Odd. I'm thinking the driver went on a bender and woke up in Bakersfield "Holy Shit! I better get this thing back before they miss it!"

We went on a Depressing DVD splurge this weekend. I thought I might share with the rest of the class.


The Shipping News: Disturbing drama of a man uncovering his family history in Newfoundland and finding himself. Surprise lesbian content and killer cast. Kevin Spacey, Judy Dench, Julianne Moore, Cate Blanchett, and Scott Glenn. Overall Score: B+ Depress-O-Meter: 8 Bonus points:10 one mention of the word "Fishwrap"


Monsters Ball: God, this was a sad movie. Not sure Halle Barry gave an oscar winning performance, but she was pretty good. I thought Billy-Bob was great. People can change. Nice to see Peter Boyle outside of Everybody Loves Raymond.Overall Score: B- Depress-O-Meter: 9


Harts War: Seeing as the Missus likes the action flicks and is also a WWII nut, I thought this seemed like a good bet. The summary on the package indicated that the plot was about an escape from a German Stalag with Bruce Willis being the mastermind US Col.. Not. This movie had next to nothing to do with any escape and the characters were neither compelling nor the least bit interesting. The tagline reads "Heros are measured by what they do." Huh? There was no hero. I had no idea who to root for. Overall Score: F Depress-O-Meter: 10 (because I actually sat through the whole thing - now that's depressing)


I Am Sam: Just a little tip from me to you. Do not. I repeat. Do not watch this movie if you are alone and premenstrual. Not being a big cry baby at movies, I welled up so many times, I may have to turn in my butch card. See this movie. Overall Score: A Depress-O-Meter: 7


John Q: I liked this movie a lot. The plot is dramatic and suspenseful. Denzel is superb as the father who will do whatever it takes to save his son. I rented the DVD with InfiniFilm features that include an honest and accurate take on HMOs and the state of healthcare in the US today. You can bet sure as hell that I went and took a look at my own insurance policy. Overall Score: B+ Depress-O-Meter: 5

Coming Soon:
The Royal Tenenbaums (second viewing)
Sexy Beast

ed. note: I would like to credit the author of this story, but the person who sent this to me did not provide that information. If you know who wrote this, give them a hearty "thanks for the laugh" from me!

Clip and Clop
Today on Animal Planet there was a segment about these two miniature donkeys named Clip and Clop. They were cute. If you want them to go left it's called a 'Gee' and if you want them to go right it's called a 'Haw'. This farmer was doing a demonstration for bunch of schoolkids and everything was cool until this little kitten ran out into the field. Clop got scared and reared up on his hindlegs and then came down on the kitten -smushing it. The kids started screaming. This made Clip all mental and he started charging at the children who ran away and climbed trees. Clop started digging and shaking his head around all weird and angry. Then the farmer started shooting a rifle off into the air and this made Clip go berserk and he started running (on his hind legs only!) at the farmer and making this horrible 'arruuuuhh! arruuuh!' noise. His eyes were burning red. I heard all the children screaming and then this siren went off. I saw the farmer desperately trying to load his rifle as Clip charged. He was dropping the shells and cursing. Then this hoof (I guess Clop's hoof) swung in on the camera shattering the lens. Then I got a test pattern on my screen.

Click here if you want to buy a miniature donkey.

*actually in retrospect I may have misinterpreted this show. here are the real Clip and Clop. they seem totally harmless.

"One Hundred Albums You Should Remove from Your Collection Immediately"
via DayPop

What? Get rid of Dave Brubeck : Take Five? Coltrane? Bob Marley? Are you insane? Okay - so yeah I agree with 60% of the recommendations, but the Violent Femmes ARE still cool damn it. I don't care what you little smarypants music snobs say...

I am not getting old, I am not getting old (lather, rinse, repeat as needed)

Poke the Penguin (at your own risk) Cartoon penguins, gentle and kind creatures by nature, can only put up with so much.

If you thought the "To Heart" humping ascii cats flash was weird - here's another one for you. Dollars to donuts the same person is responsible for this "Tall Naked Cats" animation. I really have to learn Japanese...

Looking for that perfect novelty item sure to amazed and astound your friends and family? Try The Pregnant Woman Keychain

Here are some fun Party Games for Children.

That Gunk on Your Windshield Everyone needs a hobby.
via The Morning Fix

Okay, that should get you through until five o'clock. Have a safe and Shag-a-delic weekend.

How to Get Even with Annoying Kids!


via cyndi

So does anyone else fear the Orwellian nature of the new Citizens Corp. and its Operation:TIPS? At least the USPS had the sense to opt out. Here's a great editorial from the Boston Globe. Actually, Operation: RATS is a more accutate description of the program.

More Golf! Okay, so not really a putt putt game, but hey, you could win free balls - insert pun here - that read "Crazy Long" (I chose El Bandito cause he's got the look baby.)

The Missus returns today. Thank God. I am on the verge of really truly losing my mind. I don't want to ALARM anyone, but Monday night there was ANOTHER break in two doors up the street. All this after two years of living crime free in this neighborhood. Left a message for Sgt. Somebody in the burglary division of our local PD requesting additional patrols in the 'hood. Fat chance. We will probably be left to fend for ourselves.

So I distracted myself last night with a different version of MiniGolf. Not as great as my favorite Electrotank MiniGolf but pretty good. There are some other fun games there too...

I think I've also found a new use for my old Jeep. Just THINK of what I could do with this bad boy!! StreetWriter. The fun would never end!

Your Altoids are Changing. Welcome to Class of '74 retroland! Don't miss the "Making Friends with Fruit" educational video! in the Sex Ed class. FYI - I think I had that pink two piece bathing suit.

Here's a little helpful investment advice from my friend Hollis:

"If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then traded in the cans at a redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.00.

Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to drink heavily and recycle."

So anyway - yeah, can't wait to have the girl back. Miss her something awful and the recycling is piling up.

Anybody out there speak Japanese? If so, could you PLEASE explain to me what the fuck this flash animation is all about? Humping ascii cats? Huh? And who the hell IS that guy? I've watched this 4 times - what the?

For something a little more Zen, try Haiku, The Blog. It is what it is folks.

Sharpeworld: America's No. 1 Website Nuggets! Get yer fun, groovy nuggets here! Lots of cool stuff. Check out: Coyle and Sharpe for some hilarious Man on the Street mp3s. Another Can't Miss is Skipping Rope for God (with intro)

ADT called here yesterday afternoon offering free installation. I think they cull the police records and when they find a robbery report, they start cold calling the neighbors. Pretty good marketing. SOLD! They are coming by today.

Later Gators...

Monday Monday - and away we go!

Diversions:
Have you seen this fish?

Things People Said

In Other News:
Things People Shouldn't Have Said. Quoted from the wire report in my morning paper. Dee Thompson, The Valley Citizen's co-publisher, defended the magazine. "We're not racist by any stretch of the imagination. We have an African American working for us," she said. "And a Chinese," Thomson added. Yeah, and let me guess ... some of your best friends are gay?

Jihad Johnny has decided to plead guilty.

Well, duh. Did anyone ever really question this? Of course Mac users are smarter.

Artsy Fartsy Shit:
Minimalist Web Project: A collection of "Less is more" - damn there are some good looking sites here.

The Shredder

Coincidence? Or just random acts of home invasion?

Two posts ago I discussed my first night alone in the house, my obsession with the deadbolt and lighting up the house to ward off any potential robbers. Guess what happens that very night? Ding Ding! The house across the street was broken into. Owner wasn't home, house was dark, etc. I guess my "Move along now" tactic worked - unfortunately for my neighbor. Let's just say my paranoia has been ratcheted up a few notches, I've not been sleeping well and my electric bill should save So. Cal Edison from bankruptcy.

I'm not a gun owner, as apparently my neighbor thinks I should be. The conversation went something like this: "If you hadda gun - ya coulda shot the motherfucker!" and I replied (silently in my head) "If I had a gun, I would have sat in a chair behind the front door all night like some crazed speed freak hillbilly and you could bet your redneck ass that I am not risking life and limb to save your sorry excuse for a television!"

So I've fashioned a few unique weapons out of found items around the house. God help the criminal that steps foot on my property ... if they live to tell about it. "Can you show me the weapon you used Ma'am?" ... "Why yes officer, it's this cat brush duct taped to a flashlight"

Goddamnit all to hell! I forgot to get my Free Slurpie yesterday. sonnuva... I wish there was a 7-12 store nearby...

Do you Yahottie?The Pud strikes again...

In other news... Sesame Street is introducing a Poz Muppet. And it's a girl too! Can't wait to see what those bible thumping hacks have to say about this one... Oh, wait... Nevermind- they're busy beating the shit out of their kids.

We've all seen 'em. A few of you may have them. Welcome to Bill Watterson's Private Hell
link via scrubbles

So this is global warming?

After the East Coast and much of the middle square-ish shaped states were fried to a crisp last week, we Californians stepped up to the plate this week. We had our first Stage 2 yesterday. In fact I may have contributed greatly to the Stage 2 because I cranked that mother fucking A/C yesterday around 2:00pm when the swamp cooler was no longer living up to the "cooler" part of it's nickname (for those of you who have never lived in the desert or southwest - a swamp cooler is an evaporative cooler and swampy's are not an effective A/C alternative if the dewpoint is above 55º.) It was only about 109, but the humidity was a bitch. Someone told me there some kind of friggin' monsoon out there or something that is bringing the humidity in. We're used to frying - but not melting. As much as the mere sound of it makes me cringe - yes, it is usually a dry heat here - most of the time. This humidity shit isn't supposed to happen until late August when I've planned to be far, far away from here. Speaking of being far, far away ...

All By Myself (think opening sequence to Bridget Jones Diary)
The Missus is back east for a week. When you've been married for 12 years, the idea of having the house to yourself for a week is kind of like Christmas to a 6 year old - you're overwhelmed with the "Yippie!" anticipation. You plan on doing the happy dance, rearranging the furniture, and farting wherever and whenever you damn well please. But soon after returning from dropping her off at the airport, the pure emptiness is plainly evident. "Helllooo?" You start walking around the house, trying to decide what you are going to do first. "Should I eat something? No, not hungry. Do the laundry? Boring. I'll check my email ... What was that? Oh, just a cat playing in the bathroom. Okay, I'll eat something." You begin making a sandwich and find yourself describing the entire process to the cat in a strange british accent, just to have interaction with another living creature "First we take the bread and place it thus-ly on the plate, then we open the refrigerator and select from our bevy of condiments - do you like mustard??" (have I lost my mind?!?) "You don't think I'm crazy do you sweet kitten?" The cat just sits there and stares at you with that "Yes, you are indeed a raving fucking lunatic, now let me out before I shred your calf" look.

If you've sucessfully filled your first day alone with meaningful and satifying activities (I think you know what I mean) then you are faced with "Lights Out." Or in my case - "Every Fucking Light On" because who knows what's lurking out there! I lit this house up like the fucking fourth of july - screw the rolling balckouts - I wanted EVERY potential robber to know that SOMEONE IS HOME! Move along now... Time to check the deadbolt for the 10th time. Yup, still locked. I'll just watch some TV until I'm tired.

I awoke this morning to the sweet reminder that my wife takes very, very good care of me. I should never - ever - take her for granted. I woke up on the couch fully dressed, TV blaring, full beer on the coffee table, glasses still firmly affixed to my face, every fucking light in the house still on, and the cat locked outside."Uh... Hello? Crazy Lady - let me in damn it!" And so begins Day 2.

I think I'll play Battleships

StreetMattress.com An interesting project. Take a photo of a discarded mattress and share it with the world.
via boing boing

So I went to the home page of the SPIN link I put up yesterday and it's chock full of bizaar little goodies. Check it out: The Third Place

A fun little distraction that I haven't quite figured out yet, but apparently it's quite popular at the moment. I wouldn't want anyone to feel left out - so give it a go! ScrollBar Racing

In other news... How fucking stupid do you have to be?! You on the verge of a mid-season strike and you pull this boner? Bud Selig - You win the Ultimate Moron on the Week Award!

Howdy Neighbor! Hope you're enjoying your stay in our lovely valley. Saw you on So Grahm Norton (damn funny show btw) last week - you didn't look like you'd been hitting the bottle (at least not THAT hard!) but then again, I was drunk too, so I wouldn't have noticed.

Fun With Google

GoogleLaar

elgooG

GoogleWhack

GoogleBombs

Other Bizaar Things I Found This Morning

SPIN Keep clicking the guy in the chair.

I love you

Without My Pants Funnier than it should be.

Here's a very interesting new product for the political dissident. Next time you fly, have the security screening personnel physically confiscate your bill of rights. Great idea, if you're not in a rush. Here's a good review.
link via the missus

Leather without the Leather
Condoms for the Vegan and Lactose Intolerant! "Fully approved by the Vegan Society and in 1999 they received the 'Vegan Readers' Award' for the best new vegan product (non-food)." I can honestly say I had no idea...
link also via the missus

All you crankyankers have fun with the new Judge Judy Soundboard

I like pie.

What would a cross-dressing Jesus wear? Evange - Lingerie (tm) of course.

I need a digital camera.
Kitten ... too ... cute. Can ... not ... resist.

Home again, home again.

It's good to be home. One thing I forgot to mention about my adventures in SF: I was able to catch The Disposable Boy Toys at the Dyke March. Very cool troupe of drag kings. The genderfuck was great! Despite some major technical difficulties, they were fantastic. They used a quote in their act that I hadn't heard in a long time but it's worth repeating in light of current times ... "You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists" - Abbie Hoffman

Okay, enough commentary - let's get back to surfing!

Bigger is Better! If you can't find it, you can't come.

Trashlog.org A new piece of trash every day.

Pets and Design. "While cruising and perusing the dark and dank corners of eBay for that perfect modern furniture find, I noticed a strange trend. In picture after picture, in addition to the Eames chair or George Nelson side table being offered up for sale, there appeared... pets."

"Excitingly Clean ... Disturbingly Healthy ... So full of life!" Basic Hip Digital Oddio Scroll down for TV and Radio commercials from the fifties and sixties. While you are there - don't miss "Prepare to Fire" Be afraid... be very afraid.
link via scrubbles

I have no idea what to make of this oddity. Someone explain please.

How cool are these? History of net.art As someone pointed out over at MetaFilter the Warhol would make a GREAT T-shirt ... I want one!

Call Me Miss Cleo

Pride was pretty much what I predicted. In fact Saturday followed the script exactly - right down to the 23 voice mails. All in all another fantastic Pride. The weather was beautiful. I swear God is gay.

I'm still here - sort of - in the physical sense. Still in San Francisco. We were supposed to head back yesterday, but due to some unforeseen plumbing and lighting circumstances, we're here til Friday (damn it - I hate being stuck in SF - there's NOTHING to do here!)

While this trip may have seemed like it was all about Pride, it's not. We're here for another reason - preparing to sell our house. Which is another entry entirely, but suffice to say that we're exausted. I didn't realize how much fucking work went into getting a house ready to list. It's a pain in the fucking ASS. So much piddly little crap - 15 friggin trips to Homo Depot[tm] and a few eye-popping painting estimates later ("Uh, are you sure the decimal is in the right place?") all I can say is ... fuck me.

Our tenent kept the place in fantastic shape but there's all the little things we always meant to do but never got around to. And the fact that we are marketing the house to rich fags means that we have to "De-Brass" the place and go brushed chrome throughout (which is what we always wanted but never got around to.)

De-brassing is a tedious process. Every hinge, every switchplate, every door knob, every faucet, every light fixutre... the mail slot, the house numbers, the goddamn fucking peephole. This place is going to be my wet dream: The Ultimate BFZ (Brass Free Zone.)

In the process of the de-brassing, I finally reached the end of my DIY butchness today. I broke down and called a plumber to help me swap out the shower valve. Every now and then you reach a point where you have to swallow your pride and bring out the check book just for the sake of time. Except he was no help, unless I wanted to pay him $1100 to rip out a wall. I have go-go BACK to Homo Depot (trip number 8 - yes, really) and get my THIRD shower valve. Don't even get me started on the low-voltage lighting. Anyone know a good electrician in SF? That will work on the 4th of July? I didn't think so...

Compounding my sore ass and exausted brain is our new 5 week old kitten (yes, another one - now you can call me St. Francis) whom I affectionately refer to as The Devil in Disguise. I will fill you all in on how we happened upon this darling creature in another entry soon, but right now I just need a slice of pizza and a fucking beer.