Okay, this was the longest 4 day week I have ever experienced. Surf's Up!

Havin' a bad day Spunky? This should help! The Wrath of God Oh yeah - take that motherf*ckers! link via Inside Gretchen's Head

Give this guy a headline and he'll make some groovy art! Exploding Dog.

If, like me, you are looking forward to the upcoming premier of Crank Yankers Here are a few sites to whet yer whistle. Check out Miss Cleo 1 at Celebrity Prank Calls (for those who are easily offended, there are lots of xxx banners here.) Also, I spent at least 2 hours here the other day. Chock full of goodies. Make sure to check out "Cemetary" under "Phone Calls." Evil. Pure Evil. April Winchell Show - Multimedia

Pornolize it! link via mopsa

We've all seen 'em - Bad hair, bad name, bad music. At long last, a gallery of "Your Band Sucks!" photos from Rock and Roll Confidential

In the just plain weird catagory, today we feature The World of Dancing Cats brought to you by the "Why Cats Paint" weirdos.

Finally, I will warn folks here: this exercise will freak you right the hell out. If you don't like getting freaked out - skip it. What's Wrong With This Picture?

Cheers - and a great weekend to all!

I am giving the Wrap a little face lift - an overdue one at that. Bear with me if things get weird for the next few hours.

Yesterday was a sad day for my family tree. Literally. The Elm is gone.

Backstory: My parents currently live in the home of my, now deceased, grandparents. A beautiful home in a not so beautiful automotive Midwestern town. I spent so much of my youth at this house - after school everyday, Sunday dinners, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. Always in the yard playing. The Elm was my favorite. The house, while only a half a century old, is situated on a lot that was home to a stately American Elm tree born just before the turn of the century. This 120 year old tree was the oldest living Elm in the city, a city plagued by Dutch Elm Disease that wiped out most, if not all American Elms that lined the "Pleasantville" residential streets. The folks, after spending a lot of $$ of repairs, had to replaced the sewer line (the main food source for the tree - gross, but true) due to the roots of the tree making the simple act of flushing a toilet an automatic call to Rotorooter. Last year we knew something was wrong. A large section of the tree did not leaf out.

This year - as you will see below - not a single leaf on the entire tree. A visit from the Arborist confirmed our worst fears. She was gone.

R.I.P. Sweet Elm of my youth.

Feral Kitten Update:

As I previously mentioned ... we have a new litter of kittens in the back hedge. This past week, they started to venture out. Mom is taking very good care of them. There are three kittens: a gray and tan motley looking fella, an all gray, and an all black (who we've named "Skippy" in homage to his only having 3 1/2 legs - a product of inbreeding I am sure -still, he gets around surprisingly well.)

This morning I awoke to the high pitched cries of one of the kittens IN OUR BEDROOM. Apparently, he'd wandered in though the door reserved for our house cats and was unclear on the whole glass door concept and could not find his way out. Standing over him in only my boxers and undershirt, I was thinking this was my big chance to snag one of them and begin the domestication process in hopes of adopting them out. I foolishly attempted to pick him up with my bare hands. Mistake #1. I now have severe lacerations on my right arm that resemble some maniacal attempt at suicide. I let him go and he ran under the TV stand. I foolishly attempted to pick him up again. Mistake #2 (some of us just don't learn.) Then he bit me. Not a nip, he fucking bit me HARD. (I am typing this missive without the use of my right index finger - not an easy task) With blood spurting from my finger and dripping from my arm, the missus came to her bleeding butch's rescue with a hand towel. Not for me, for the kitten. She calmly wrapped him up and took him into the bathroom. Since they are not weaned yet, we decided to just calm him down, allow him to get to know us a little and release him to his mother, who despite her child being kidnapped by the giant naked cats, was quite calm throughout the whole ordeal. They are all now nursing and playing in that adorable kitten manner in the yard. All is well, except for my arm, and finger, and adrenaline overdosed brain. (note to self: put a pair of work gloves in the nightstand)

In other news, I spent last evening enjoying "Manual" a collection of essays by some amazing web writers. Some of you have probably heard of or read this already, I highly recommend it. A GREAT collection. Here's some background. The only caveat is that you MUST print this out and read it offline, preferably in your most comfortable chair with your favorite beverage. RTFM. Enjoy.

Don't ask me how I got here ... perhaps I'm repenting for a sin filled weekend, but I'm on a religeous theme today.

WWJS? Where Would Jesus Surf?
The Golden Plate It's not gambling if it's for Jesus! Looking for that perfect gift for your pastor? Check out Gadgets for God from Ship-of-Fools.com

In late breaking news, The Pope forgives molested children.

Another winner of the "Too Much Time on Your Hands" award. The Brick Testement

Which Enemy of the Christian Church are You? link via crazytracy

On a completely unrelated note ... have you seen The World's Smallest Website?

Email Clip of the Day: I would like to thank Ben for indulging me... he did the taping and the editing AND, for a limited time, has placed the clip on his web-site. Also, I would like to thank Carol, a co-worker, for teaching me the steps! THANK YOU BOTH! Please forward this to the West Coasters... as proof that I can "Do the Hustle!" Campo

Friday Night Report: Went to a party at Normans. Who's Norman? That's what I asked when we were invited. Apparently he'd been to a party at our house a few months ago and wanted the missus and I to come to his party. Determined not to show up at someone's party without knowing who the hell the host was, I did the mental rolodex thing. Nope, not a clue. I remembered the party at our place that he came to, but there were a lot of people I had never met in my life that showed up at my door that night. I invited 20 people and over 50 came - all friends of friends of friends who are now our friends that I can't remember, inviting us to parties their house. So I looked though the party pictures and sure enough ::ding ding ding:: there he was! Whew. Norman threw a good party, met a lot interesting people. A dentist from Dallas, a jeweler from Palm Desert, a massage therapist and a Siegfreid or Roy (which one is which? does it matter?) look alike.

Jennie and Leah are in town for the holiday weekend. We hooked up with them later at Blue Coyote for margaritas, then it was off to Toucans for more drinks and shooting some pool. The missus - being the smart one - went home early.

Saturday Night Report: The Big Night. The much anticipated and well planned MJ (the other MJ - not this MJ) 39th (cough) Birthday Extravaganza. The limo picks us up at 6:30. This limousine - twenty blocks long and 30 years old - looked like the friggin pimp mobile from 1973, in fact I'm pretty sure that's what it was in its glamorous former life. Now, however, pieces of it were falling off here and there. The windows didn't work. A tape deck (might as well have been a 8 track) - no CD player - and a very odd smoke wafting out of the trunk. No shit. 8 of us sat comfortably in bumper to bumper traffic downtown (it does happen occasionally in this little village of ours) with everyone looking at us with that "What celebrity could be THAT cheap... Is that smoke coming from the trunk?" look on their faces.

Made it to the Wild Goose in time for dinner and the show. Menu Highlights: Wilde (sic) Boar, Medallions of Elk and Frog Legs. Michelle quipped "Where's the 'Noah's Ark' Dinner for Two?" The Show: Ivana Tramp - Mistress of Illusion, double billed with Anita the 80 year old cheeky monkey British comedienne with a truck drivers mouth. Wow. 3 hours - 2.5 hours too long. It was kind of sad actually. This aging drag queen who obviously had a few screws loose, closing the show by transforming herself back into himself singing "Both Sides Now." I kid you not.

Off to the new dyke bar called "Sisters" (rolling eyes - how fucking original) which was exactly as I expected it. Badly decorated, too small, and non-smoking. Okay, it IS California and everyone knows smoking is illegal in this state, but c'mon - I have to stand in the strip mall parking lot to choke a butt? After WAY to many cocktails and some feeble attempts to shoot pool, we pick up 4 very very cute girls that could have been twelve (I forgot to ask for ID), and take them back to PS (some might call it kidnapping) for martini's at Melvyns and MORE drinks at Toucans (always the end of the line on the party train). Much fun was had by all, a little snipping and bickering - what evening would not be complete with some fucking dyke drama, and we send them back to Sisters in the limo at 3:00AM.

My head hurts. The weekend is not over yet...

It's an artsy kinda Friday - don't forget to check out this weeks other posts if you haven't yet - plenty of stuff to keep you busy til 5:30.

The Toaster A work of art where bread is used and its symbolism is questioned. (don't ask, just click)

GoodClown/BadClown What evil lurks behind a greasepaint smile?

An artist who draws in the dirt on vans has lost out in the final stages of a major illustrating competition.

Within These Walls 5 Families, 1 House, 200 Years of History

Ad*Access Images and database information for over 7,000 advertisements printed in U.S. and Canadian newspapers and magazines between 1911 and 1955.

Panoramic Maps 1847-1929

Now Playing: Lucinda Williams

A Little Baseball Talk:
Barry Bonds hit his 583rd home run yesterday against the Diamondbacks, tying Mark McGuire for 5th place on the career list.

1: Hank Aaron - 755
2: Babe Ruth - 714
3: Willie Mays - 660
4: Frank Robinson - 586
5: Mark McGuire - 583
x tie: Barry Bonds - 583

What a list. We are witnessing greatness folks. Love him or hate him, Barry Bonds is a living legend. The San Francisco Giants trail the AZ Diamondbacks by 1/2 game in the NL West and we're not even close to half way through the season. Here's to you - tippin' my beer to the boys of summer!

As many of you know, I collect Zippo [tm] lighters, and am quite adept at a variety of tricks (usually without starting the room on fire.) You know what I'll be doing the rest of the week.

You're in a meeting, or class and the person next to you is spinning their pen in a dizzying display of skill that's hypnotizing and mesmerizing. You make a feeble attempt and send your Sanford Uni-Ball Gel Grip flying across the room. Never Again.


By the People, For the People: Posters from the WPA, 1936-1943
If only the government still supported the arts like this.

On the other hand... Chinese Propaganda Posters

Did You Know? that Medical Records Librarians had their very own Patron Saint?

Email Clip of the Day: "i used this calculator but failed to orgasm. i ended up faking it though, so i could log off and do other things. thanks."

Everyones Favorite Cow Pokes - heheh - I said "poke"

Jennie and Leah - Crew on Day 3 of the AIDS LifeCycle

"Howdy Ma'am. That's a pretty big pair of ... boots ... you got there!" ... "Oooh, looks like there's a new sheriff in town!" What I want to know is where the hell did the girls get a horse? And is that a navy blue or black hanky in Leah's left back pocket?

Today -- the Cyclists' triumphant arrival in West Hollywood - A testament to perseverance in the fight against AIDS.

This calculator sure as hell makes balancing the checkbook a lot more interesting. link via mopsa

In Search Of: As is known to happen at odd and random times, a song came to mind that I haven't heard in a long time. "Coffee Shop Women" by Milo Binder, a folk artist who put out one solo album and quickly slipped into obscurity. He was last seen driving a school bus somewhere in Colorado (I'm not kidding!) I think I have the song on cassette somewhere, but the tape deck on my laptop is broken (get it? it's a joke! ha.) If anyone knows a -- simple way -- to rip from cassettes, let me know.

Also, if you happen to be the one who picked up this particular CD, now out of print, during the SF moving party (on the large shelf of "Freebee" CD's in the entry way) can I borrow it?

The chorus goes like this:

Coffee shop women
They're always up late
With buns in their hair
And hair on your plate,
Like nocturnal angels
In polyester blends
Coffee shop women stay with you
'Til the lonely night ends.

How Not To Get The Girl Hare-Brained Schemes That Don't Work
Link via: not sure where this came from, found it in my link pad.

After much muck-amuck - I now have comments on the site. Feel free to leave me dirty notes, links, suggestions, and/or opinions. For those of you who are unsure how to do this - click where it says "COMMENTS [ ]" at the end of each post and type away.

Great Idea #246
You get those unwanted pre-approved letters in the mail from credit card companies, free cd's and junk like that and most of them come with a postage page envelopes, right? Well don't throw them out, place your unwanted junk mail in those lovely little envelopes and mail them back! Wal-Mart would love to see Rite-Aid flyers and I am sure the people at those credit card places eat pizza, send them the coupons, if you don't use them. Enjoy. The best part, it doesn't cost you anything, these companies are paying for the envelope to come back and all it costs is stuffing the junk in and licking the envelope shut. My apologies to any postal empoyees out there.

Lifes little lessons #195

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED BY HAVING MY ARMS RIPPED OFF BY A POLAR BEAR I love the NewYorker.


9+11 = 20
Okay - this has been going around recently, and for those of you who've not yet seen this eerie display - here's the latest conspiracy:

Things you will need: $5 bill, $10 bill, $20 bill, $50 bill, $100 bill.
Step one: Send them to me so that I can take a picture... No seriously, here's the deal:

Al Qaida is controlling our currency? Or just getting ideas from folding it?

The five seems to show two towers with nothing wrong with them, the ten seems to show flames at the very top, and the twenty is as shown in the above link. Here's the fifty. Side 1 Side 2. There's nothing there. I've not seen the $100 - but now I'm curious...

got goosebumps?

My old friend Mopsa over at Waitress Dreams found this gem. I am not sure how she found it. I don't ask anymore. You have to scroll though the pages to get the full effect. Actually, the second page should really do it for you.

4 out of 5 feral cats agree: Iams Original Premium Cat Food tastes better than Albertsons Generic "For All Cats" cat food.

If you are someone who hates it when people talk about their cats, I suggest you just skip this one. Try This.

We have cats. A lot of cats. Yes, cliche - lesbians with cats, but what can you do. We have four that I consider us to be "medically responsible for." Only those four have been allowed into the house. Only one of the four is from the original San Francisco batch that came down here with us. The other three we took in as kittens - another story for another day. We also have a feral colony of about 26 cats that came as a package deal with the house we bought, with the neighborhood actually. The colony, which has several sub-communities, is fascinating. I feel like Dian Fossey ... studying their social structure and habits. We started feeding them last year because I am a big softy and they looked at me in that "Can't you see I'm starving?" kinda way and besides, three other people in the 'hood feed them, so it's not like they eat birds all the time or anything (we call that "rationalisation.")

Unlike the rest of our neighbors however, we also participate in the local SPCA's Trap, Alter, Return Feral program. We set traps, get the deed done and release them. Unfortunately, we haven't trapped all of them and the cycle of life continues. There is a new litter somewhere in our back yard. I can't get too close because the Mother (a.k.a. Inky The Kitten Factory) leaps out at us to protect them. I think soon they will appear and I will wrestle with the guilt when their mother brings them directly to our back door feeding station rather than teaching them to hunt. On the other hand, if we attempt to socialize them, perhaps we can find homes for them and save them the hardships of living the feral life. I'll keep you posted.

Bonehead(s) of the Day Award


Email Clip of the Day: "btw, i am somewhat pleased/somewhat freaked to report that i scored Level 8-extremely feminine on the straight-acting test.....it's my love of all things spa-like that sent me over the top i think"

ENDA Bill Reveals Radical Homosexual Power Grab and I quote ... "Senator Kennedy is trying to force every employer in America to adopt the hiring policies of the Archdiocese of Boston,"

Now Playing: Lyle Lovett and His Large Band

I really can't explain it, but I am fascinated by Pink. Did you know that Linda Perry (formerly of 4 Non Blondes fame - what ever happened to Christa?) produced her album? Me thinks she's "La Familia" too. (Pink that is - hell, everyone knows that Linda's as queer as they make 'em. If I had a dollar for all those times in Cafe - now watch me get sued!)

Look for Jennie and Leah crewing the AIDS LifeCycle Ride in the webcasts!

PostWar Church Basement I just love Lileks.

Artistamps by Steve Smith

There are no words to describe THIS. Think Mahir, think Peter Pan, then RUN!

Castworld. I had no idea, but hey - whatever floats yer boat.

An interesting discussion over at DykeWrite remided me that I had not yet posted the Butch Femme Quiz to the Wrap yet (guys there's a quiz for you too.)

I Am Sam

Okay, so it's sophomoric, but I forgot about this one and they got me with it, and everyone laughed their arses off - at me.

Write this down on a piece of paper and have ::insert: co-worker, friend, lover, spouse:: read it OUT LOUD. Much laughter and humiliation will follow. *editor is not responsible for bodily injury or divorce papers:

I am we. Todd did. I am sofa king. We Todd did.

Friday Night Report: Went to the once world famous Racquet Club with the missus, and Jay and Mishell (that's right - MJ and Michelle and Jay and Mishell) for dinner. Pulled into the parking lot which was PACKED. Now see, here's the thing, the Racquet Club has fallen on hard times, poor management and lack of interest, we are usually the only people there so a full parking lot means only one thing - Private Party. But it wasn't a private party, instead they were hosting a weekend retreat for "Sober in the Sun" - a desert queer AA group. Since Mishell and Jay do not drink, and Michelle isn't currently imbibing either ... I was the only person in the whole damn place getting a buzz. It was a strange feeling - like I was violating a sacred alcohol free space. But those of you who know me, know that seldom am I apologetic, so I quickly got over it. The highlight of the evening was the piano player. I swear she and Amy Sedaris were separated at birth, only the piano player was, on a scale of 1-10, a definite 10 in the psycho category. She had a Playschool "My First Piano" and during breaks would walk around with it playing that damn ice cream truck song - I don't know the name of it, but sing-a-long with me ... "Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro" ... you know the one I am talking about.

It was strange. Me and my Kettle One on the rocks (with a twist), 200 sober queers, and the ice cream truck song. Swear to God.

Saturday Night Report: PS ModCom (The Palm Springs Modern Commitee) BBQ at Pete's house. It's still high-season here so 50 ModSquaders - all the usual suspects - came out for the party. The opposite of "Sober in the Sun" - more like "Drunk in the Moonlight." Much fun and little political action was had by all.

We're supposed to hit the 100 degree mark again today. Summer has arrived folks. 4 months of finding shade.

So here's some Sunday surfs for you...

Top 100 Celebrity Train Wrecks!

What's Better?

Toiletology 101 More than you ever needed to know about toilets.

Common Errors in English

Priests Gone Wild via Stash. We're all going to hell.

Amy's Answering Machine via Joel

Bonehead of the Day Award
via michelle

RANT TIME: So let me just get this out of the way... I apologize for the big fat ad at the top of this page but here's the thing - I'm too damn cheap to pay for the "ad free" space because I already own the damn fridayfishwrap domain and I am paying for server space and I should be using that instead of blogspot but NO! My domain has been eaten by the little smarmy monsters that eat domain names - lost somewhere between two hosts and it's been that way for 12 months now - and still, I renew. Pony up the Visa baby. ::grumble grumble grumble:: Beth asked if I was "The master of my domain" and the answer is no, not in any sense of the phrase. I will say that the effects of carpal tunnel do indeed make a few things difficult - but hey, when you gotta, you gotta... Did any of that make sense outside my own twisted brain?

Here's another thing I hate about using this particular free server space - no comments. All the free commenting services are down or not accepting new users. Any suggestions? I tried adding a Tag-Board but it screwed up my page. As a designer, I should be able to handle these little raw html problems but who has the time, really? Yeah, I know. I do. Okay, I'll work on it. I suppose I should work on this ugly ass lay-out as well.

So, it's Friday! Have at 'em!

The Frank and Fritzy Show! WMOB: The Wiretap Network. Start at the beginning - well worth it.

Media Dunk!

Millertime.com Speaking of "domain name issues" - at least I am not getting sued by Philip Morris.

PoohPundit Who knew bears could code?

Email clip of the day: You should do a couple minutes worth of testing, like watch the compressor when someone else turns it on and off with the engine running and you watching. See if it engages and stays engaged. If it does not engage, you may have just a power prob. Check for power. But if the charge is low, the low press switch will almost immediately shut it off.

Now Playing: The Gourds

Email clip of the day: I will say that the entrance is now in the rear (very funny) and our drink special this week is 1/2 price Cosmos. For those of you who didnt know, 66 also serves an excellent feast. As our clientele continues to build and people fight for the best seats, its always a good idea to dine "pre-Hump" and claim your turf in the process.

Another day, another dollar - buddy can ya spare one? Okay, I have 4 past due invoices out and I just wanna get paid ... is that too much to ask?

So the Missus and I are off to the hardware store on a joint shopping venture. She needs something (what? I'm not sure - she has her *own* list) and me? I'll just get lost in the powertools and forget what I came there for in the first place... Thanks to Cyndi for the following - my favorite... nasty ascii:

Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

Acups
o o

D cups
( O )( O )

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts
\ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)

Now Playing: Melissa Ferrick

Sweet Jesus - I've been gone too long. Just starting to get back into blog land. I moved The Wrap onto the public server due to a domain name "issue" I am having. Apparently transfering a domain is hard when the people you are dealing with are totally incompetent ... Who'da thunk? Anyway ...

Check out DykeWrite for a collection of really cool chicks. Just found them yesterday... I'm totally crushed out on Dasha ... even though she's bi ::cough::

Had a great time in Las Vegas for my good bud oddgirls birthday from what I remember (6 dykes in Vegas.. What could happen?). Stash and I shared a room - actually, it was a giant pink marble bathroom ala Graceland with a bed. The strangest thing was that the Bidet was in a separate room from the W/C - 8 steps away from the W/C in fact. That's what I call "Unclear on the Bidet concept." Tres Vegas... Check out the photos (of the people - not the Bidet)

I just got back from 4 days in San Antonio (I know, for a babe as broke as I really truly am - why the hell am I travelling so much?) It was hot - you know - the humid hot, I missed my nice dry desert heat, but I had a great time none the less. Spent a few nights in San Angelo. I couldn't tell you where the hell it is - except that it was a 4 hour drive from S.A. Stayed at a no-tel motel with hourly rates called The Santa Fe Junction. The bar (of the same name) was just across the parking lot - think huge pick-up trucks - all Fords - and broken bottles everywhere. I love playing red-neck every once in a while! WooHoo! Pix to come soon - I promise.

Speaking of traveling... Any day now my Bro is about to be a father! I'll be heading to Orlando when I get the word. I do know this much - it's a baby girl! Alyssa (not sure if it's one "S" or two)

So - enough of my life story updates... Here's some cool crap to get you going...

Gonna get me some Goths! link via .. uh... somewhere, I can't remember...

Cubicle Girl I almost wet my pants. She's pretty damn funny!

Worst Case Scenarios

Kungfu Hamster (also see the James Brown singing doll - as seen on The Osbournes!) link via Binx.

Email Clip of the Day "Evidently Barry Van Dyke is Dick Van Dyke's son; and the two of them did indeed star in an unmemorable sitcom during the 80's. Who knew"

Now Playing Creed